And I am built like a mother and a total machine

I feel for your every little issue, I know just what you mean

The A/C in my Barbie dream apartment was out for a whole week, I'd been sweating unintentionally doing mundane tasks. I had the sliding doors and windows open and three fans running. The lowest it dropped to was 76 degrees and I typically set it for 72 so I can sleep with my band tee quilt draped over me, it's just the right weight. Sometimes I appreciate discomfort, it makes me think and act differently. Ideas born of hot feet and how the breeze feels on your shoulders at golden hour. Insect sounds at 2am. Bubble bursted. Routine breached.

I've been thinking lately about the difference between wanting to be kissed and wanting to kiss someone. Is it the difference between giving and taking? Passion and validation? I don't even know if I can experience ANY kind of attraction to someone if it isn't coming at me first. Well, "coming at me" seems aggressive. I experience attraction only reciprocally? But it's more than that, right? It's DNA in looks and likes and quirks of conversation.

Sometimes, when you tell people you have a crush, they ask you what you’re going to DO about it. Isn’t being IN A CRUSH just a desirable state in and of itself? What’s there to DO about it? 

Someone from my past reached out recently. I admit I liked the attention, the compliments. But it also nearly sent me into spirals about how I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. He said he had a huge crush on me in high school and I always looked away. Well, yes. That tracks. I had no crushes in high school. But I do remember who was cute and who was not. He was cute. It's just like the above mentioned rhetoric - what's there to do about it? Can't we just soak in the soup of our crush feelings, alone?

Being beyond the era of LiveJournal, I even have anxiety about writing this because I am always tacking my feelings up on the wall of the Internet before I've even sorted through them. Such is my nature.

I also reached out to someone from MY past. I like the banter. And AND, he's in an MFA program for Creative Writing. Tell me everything. Tell me anything.

I AM open to more friendships and show buddies and hiking pals and chatting about reading and writing and what you built and what you had for dinner. I do want to know what you thought of me in High School. What you thought of me 15 years ago. I'll tell you what I think of you now, if you ask. I'll tell you what it was like then, if you ask. One of my friends said recently, "she documents everything" - I do. Tell me the date and I'll tell you what I was thinking.

What I don't want is to be constantly dodging the weight of your expectations. Abandon your narrative. Don't make me give the TED talk. I have to be honest from the jump this time, next time, any time.

100 // Dimmer Switch

I'm going to quit drinking for 100 days. I've done it for 30, several times. I did Sober October and No Drink November and I mean, that's how I came to find (unearth? rediscover? name?) my ACEness. I just sorta went back to it. Holidays, life, why not? I've been interspersing Quit Lit with my book club picks and thrillers. Really enjoyed (lol) The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. But in a lot of what I read, I didn't relate. Then I found https://www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com/ and THAT clicked. So, three days down, 97 to go.

In her blog she says it doesn't matter if you "have a problem" - it matters how you feel. And quite frankly the day after I drink feels like someone hit the dimmer switch on my entire personality. I think I blogged something like this end of last year - "sleepy and weepy"... yuck. But I kept doing it to myself. And here's the thing - there's a very small window within which I WANT to drink. It's 7-9pm. I won't touch a drop earlier, I will immediately want to sleep. I think any earlier than 7 and I can feel it interacting with my Wellbutrin. (Which, yes, explicitly says not to drink, skull and crossbones, etc) And at 9pm, I'd probably rather sleep. There's just a two-hour increment of anxiety that I like to quiet with chardonnay or vodka. That transitional period. I don't ENJOY the taste of alcohol, I drink for a very specific effect. I do the same with coffee, by the way, but that's an issue for a later date.

That said, I know it isn't going to be easy - the dimmer switch, that's intentional. The clearer my mind gets, the sharper my edges get.  I drink to not care about things in the moment, but the apathy spills over into the days after.  I think I'm a more tolerable person when I'm subdued. But who is benefiting from this version of me?

There's a stoic quote: “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?”

I've joked that even though I'm on the cusp, I'm definitely a millennial because I didn't have any romantic relationships before text messaging. But I also had no romantic relationships before I could drink. Sure as sh*t didn't go anywhere near sex until I was seriously drinking. I'm not Aromantic. I've had plenty of crushes. I've done adorable sh*t when I was completely clear-headed. But I wonder how far some of my past relationships could have even progressed to without 40 proof assistance? It's a lot to think about. But it's TIME to think about it. I cannot keep serving up this blurry version of myself. 

I'm done with fake conversations in L.A. dives

I'm done with blackouts and regrets and bloodshot eyes

I'm done with waiting to feel high

I'm done with living inside of a swimming pool

I'm done with making then breaking my every rule

I'm sick of treating myself so cruel

I know the world's a broken bone // But melt your headaches, call it home

A lot of my life is voice activated commands these days. Hands-free. TV, music, lights. And sometimes there’s only one song I NEED to hear and then Spotify creates a station and thus, I’ve discovered a few songs I missed in their prime. Tom Petty’s “Wildflowers” for one. Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed.” I’m not mad. It’s a new kind of discovery. I’m all for it.

I’ve been taping lyrics to the wall with monstera leaf washi tape. “Northern Downpour” is one of my favorite songs and yet I only knew like 30% of the lyrics. Incredible how soothing it was without me even comprehending it 100%. But could I have loved it more?

We spend a lot of our fresh adult years trying to build credibility. I am honest. I am pure. I am intelligent. I am unique.

And while I am trying to build the neck strength of my infant, there are national tragedies, violent shootings and I can’t figure out what my biggest challenge will be: to raise a sane, respectful man—or to change the world. You know, in ways within my power.

Is it the same thing? Is singing to my baby, loving him, making sure his friends are of many cultures and that their stories are varied… is that enough?

Right now my husband is snoring and my baby boy is having baby dreams. I love them something fierce, even if I couldn’t sleep a wink in between them.

How do I both keep them safe and make them strong? 

Also 90% sure I’ve used this as a blog title before. It means nothing, it means everything.

And I got nothing to lose but darkness and shadows Got nothing to lose but bitterness and patterns

Anyone else perpetually impressed with Fall Out Boy’s rhyming of “future” and “sutures”?

OK no, just me.

Upside Down & Inside Out

So when you met the new you Were you scared? Were you cold? Were you kind? Yeah when you met the new you

Did someone die inside?

Stream Hungry Ghosts on Hype Machine

I've listened to the first song 5x in a row. I want to crawl inside of it and get tangled up in its guts.

Collar Full

Oh show me your love, (your love), your love, (your love) Gimme more but it's not enough (your love) Show me your love, (your love), your love, (your love) Before the world catches up (your love) 'Cause there's always time for second guesses I don't wanna know If you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go

1 Less

You saying that you know But I really really doubt you Understand my life is easy When I ain't around you

You'll be my astronaut, I'll be your outer space

My vision board, for the last couple years, have been lackluster. Mostly because I choose boards that are too massive and I'm more sure of what I DON'T want than I am of what I DO want.

But I had a couple superhero images on the current one, which I kinda didn't take notice of until I was too tired to complete all the sit-up reps Jillian Michaels was barking at me to do today. I was a driveling sweat mess on a yoga mat and then... an a-ha:

I got me a superhero ;)

Take it back. Take it all back...

Fall Out Boy lyrics have been, for years now, something I latch onto. Pete Wentz is second to only Conor Oberst in nailing down exactly what I would say if I could spend all my time navigating the nebulous web of my thoughts. Also: I don't like Conor's voice, so...

I wanted to hear I'm Like a Lawyer so I could think about Tim (Me and you / Setting in a honeymoon / If I woke up next to you), but that opportunity didn't come.

Instead, when FOB exploded into "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark" I flashed back to the morning of the music video release. The end of the hiatus. I was in his bed. I watched the video and PROMISE radiated through my entire being.

He said: That song is the worst.

I should've dumped him right then.

What made the breakup easier, retrospectively, was knowing he didn't have a favorite band. And after giving him time to think he said: Matt & Kim. Oh. OK. You know who else counts Matt & Kim as their favorite band? No one. 

Or maybe MAYBE like four basic bitches.

An apparent lack of passion and depth. 

No offense to Matt & Kim, who I count as festival fare.

All the writers keep writing what they write

Simple

Take my hand

Lead me up into the promise land

I will follow you but I'm no man for

Trophies pageants and big band stands

-

I make myself a little bit smaller and I'm

Comfortable as a flower on the wall

I know that you want to be remembered

I don't want to spend my whole life

Dancing for peanuts on a Sunday night

Building a legacy to leave behind

I'm just happy with the simple life

-

Ooh I'm simple and you are complicated

And what we need is a life we can agree on

Ooh I'm easy and you are difficult

And it's been so hard to find a life we can

Agree on

-

I numb my face 

Hide my treasures and I tolerate

Social graces and I drop my gaze

A politician in a rebel state

I don't want to spend my whole life

Dancing for peanuts on a Sunday night

Building a legacy to leave behind

I just want to live a simple life

-

And when I sleep at night

I see us on a porch all old and grey

We reminisce all night and hold each other

Like our younger days

Ooh I'm easy and you are difficult

And it's been so hard to find a life we can agree on...

Let 'em spill their guts

Let 'em have their time Sit back and let 'em shine Let 'em rise and rise Cause one day they're gonna fall Let 'em soak in the sun Sit back and let 'em have their fun Let 'em spill their guts Cause one day they're gonna slip on 'em Well I could be angry But you're not worth the fight And besides I'm moving on

I've counted to ten And I'm feeling alright And besides I'm moving on

It's not about what or who. It's about when.

For me, music has never been about buzz or radio adds or thenextbigthing. Although, I know that's how much of the world discovers music. I acknowledge that.

For me, it's always been about timing. When your musical (brace yourself) soul is vulnerable. When lyrics can sear right through your toughest parts and light up. When a melody fishhooks you into a spin cycle of particular brand of "we are on top of the world". 

It doesn't matter if everyone has been talking about them. Talking is different from feeling.

So what does that mean for bands, for musicians?

It makes me miss having TV, a little. I reveled in the puzzle pieces that were commercials or brands and the music that captured just the right feeling. The ending credits on Grey's Anatomy last week. The first few seconds of the Canon commercial that sounded like Spring. That space in between intro and first lyric that felt like the loveliest lull of a nap. 

I want to connect the music and the lyrics to the words and the pictures and I want everyone to have a soundtrack for those big moments in their lives. 

You shouldn't be without a soundtrack.

Tell me and I'll listen for you.

KATY PERRY KNOWS MY FEELS

You sent a text It's like the wind changed your mind

Something has died Now that I have made up my mind I'll be alright It doesn't harm me at night

And I've officially been asked

I wouldn't kill to get you back And I've officially been asked I couldn't kill to save a life I'd rather a die a peaceful piece of shit-bait Shame-filled coward Thanks I'm not the killing type I'm not the killing type I'm not, I'm not I'm not the killing type, I'm not But I would kill to make you feel I don't mean kill someone for real I couldn't do that, it is wrong But I can say it in a song, a song, a song And I'm saying it now I'm saying it so Even if you never hear this song Somebody else would know I'm saying it now I'm saying it so Even if you never hear this song Somebody else will know, know, know, know I just can't explain how good it feels

Your clothes are soaked and you don't know where to go

So drop your chin and take yourself back home

...

I keep following your lead

And you keep leading me to the darkest places

...

It's a new art form showing people how little we care (yeah)

One time I took some sort of personality test that said: you have people you are fiercely loyal to--and really, it's like no one else exists. 

Your moods leak out into me. Onto me. I play with matches just to see what's flammable, and what isn't. 

I'm drowning.