The things you'll do following a breakup

1. Try to determine if it was an actual "break up" or just a "situation." Could've even been just a "thing."

2. Establish a timeline. Break those interactions up into blocks of ACTIONS that could have inspired REACTIONS. We are gonna MAKE SENSE of this nebulous bullshit if it KILLS US.

3. Get opinions. Spew theories. Overthink everything from his instagram likes to his dumb outfit choices.

4. Blame yourself. Before you get angry you'll probably reevaluate everything you said/wore/thought/non-verbally expressed like 3 months ago.

Emotions come in waves, in inexplicable jolts. You'll want him to experience the same things you do. You'll want your sad to seep into his Friday nights but the fact is, babycakes, we just aren't made of the same material. 

Resolution is a myth. You've got to keep growing and somehow simultaneously drag and shed those weeds that are right on your heels.

And this is crazy

Let's ignore, for 3 minutes or maybe 7, my lingering sister-sympathy migraine. I literally haven't had a migraine in 4 months and 3 days ago Kik texts me about her worst one yet and SOMEHOW I've had one creeping since yesterday evening. It's birthplace is in my jaw  :(

Anyway. I got my hair done. And despite my head feeling like 8 lbs of lead, we had good talks. I had a good story to tell her. It was a funny lead in because she was humming "call me maybe" and I was like, hang on, are you unconsciously humming that because of me? She didn't know. But hey, good opening.

I told her how we met on Thursday and I gave him a note and he texted me Friday morning and asked me out Friday night. How he brought me roses on the second date, invited me to a wedding (I said I didn't know if I could attend - he said he was so happy I even WANTED to), how once he ordered a veggie burger in case I could taste meat when I was kissing him and mostly he's a fairly tale of a person with strong arms and great lips and I have a boyfriend! And he's great.

I got to tell her so many tiny stories of bliss. Like the time we came home from Warped and he was all giggly and I was like WHAT WHAT WHAT and later he said, "I'm just really happy" like he was trying to kill me with kindness, accompanied by kittens and spooning without snoring.

And I'm like OMG i wanna go on vacation with you!

Which is a big deal. If you didn't know.

The skeptic in me is like, hold them horses. But he's an optimist and thus drags me to the surface of everything with his buoyancy. 

I might not get to keep it forever but what I have right now? It's good.

Does believing make you a different person?

This is a metaphor AND something that actually happened. I'm at Warped Tour with New Boyfriend and I've introduced him as such a couple times and it feels totally right rolling off my tongue and no one is cringing in the corner, not believing. 

I think it took me a minute to establish me, in my element, and him, in my element and then an US, in this element but we did it. Never before achieved. We met up with some of my friends to watch a band I wasn't super into but he ended up liking. I leaned against him, he had his arm around my waist. A song ends and he goes to clap, thus releasing his grip from my waist.

It's going down, I'm yelling timber...

I was so dependent and relaxed for those 3 minutes that once he let go I was literally falling, in full formation, to my right. Pisa, unhinged. I had no defenses up, no muscles tensed, no visceral instincts. 

What does that even mean? Usually I'm like *swat swat* I can do it myself OK? But I forgot to be like that. I leaned in. I let go.

It was a great weekend. He's so positive he just drags me right up to the surface. It's not a falling, it's a rising.